


The Guilt Inside

by janjan_the_ninth



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Discovery
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Crying, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Space Husbands, and this time it's about hugh who feels the angst, but mostly hugh, mentions of a break down, of course with a little bit paul angst, set after disco with hugh already back, though the comfort part is not much
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-28
Updated: 2018-02-28
Packaged: 2019-03-25 05:54:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,365
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13827894
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/janjan_the_ninth/pseuds/janjan_the_ninth
Summary: Hugh is back and slowly readjusting to being alive again. But there are things he doesn't know about his abscense yet.





	The Guilt Inside

**Author's Note:**

> And I'm back with angst. This plot bunny suddenly appeared and I couldn't write anything else until I had this finished. This time it's not only about Paul angst but also Hugh angst. Lots of angst for our Space Boos, with a tiny little bit comfort.
> 
> Thanks to Momos_weird_thoughts for beta reading this fanfiction.

Hugh stood at front of the door of his and Paul’s quarters. He had been brought back to life around a week ago and after he and Paul had been released from the medical wing they had only left their quarters twice to get food and to show the rest of the crew that they had made it. The rest of the time they had eaten in their quarters, none of them wanting to go out and socialise much. It was more important to stay close to each other right now. 

He can't imagine how emotionally exhausting this whole ordeal had been on Paul. He couldn’t remember much of it all. He remembered how he had died, how he had been in the mycelium network and talked to this other Paul, who had been purely evil and egoistic. And then there had appeared his Paul. His brilliant and caring Paul, who hadn’t known that he had died. And still he had given everything, the moment they could have been together in the network to save it and everybody in the universe. After that he could only remember the dread of the sick mycelium network and then, the calmness of the from Paul restored network, that carried him. 

His brave and selfless Paul, who was now fast asleep in their bed. In the month it had taken Paul and Tilly to bring him back, he had overtaxed himself way too much. The dark circles under his eyes were still apparent after a week with no work. He deserved all the rest he could get. Which was the reason why Hugh was standing at the door, contemplating if he should really go to the mess hall to eat. He was hungry but getting something from the replicator in their quarters would wake Paul. He would surely sleep through the few minutes it’d take Hugh to eat something. Though he still left two notes, one on Paul’s bedside table and one on his own. With that in mind he finally left their quarters. 

The mess hall was quite busy when he entered, but after getting his food he was still able to find a table on his own. Right now he wasn't really in the mood to talk to his colleagues and friends. He was still a bit overwhelmed by the whole situation. So he ate in silence, getting lost in his own mind while he was at it. Only after he saw that Tilly sat down in front of him he noticed just how far he was lost in thoughts. If she hadn't sat down, he would have probably sat there for hours, letting the sounds of the mess hall wash over him, carrying him from thought to thought like the mycelium network had done it.

He looked at Tilly and smiled, which she took as a cue to start talking to him. 

“I’m so happy that you are alive. I mean that you are back alive, not dead anymore. It’s something incredibly and I can’t imagine how you feel. How do you feel about it? I mean how do you feel in general?”

“You don't need to worry, I know what you want to say.”, Hugh assured Tilly. It was adorable how much Tilly blabbers, it made any tension disappear instantly. It was who she was and she didn't hide that. 

“Phew, that relieves me. I don't know what to say to be honest. But really how are you doing?”

“I’m fine. I can't remember much of being dead but it’s still an adjustment. I would have thought it’d be possible, but here I am, readjusting how it is to be alive.”

“Yes it’s really weird but also sooo cool. Do you know that Lt. Cmdr. Stamets and I are nominated for another medal for bringing you back? Our research for it is a breakthrough in medicine and it changed our/starfleet/the understanding of the interconnectedness of biology and quantum physics.”

“That’s great, and well deserved.”, Hugh said, meaning every word of it. He already knew of his partner’s genius, and he was happy that he had found a mind like his. 

“Thank you so much.”, beamed Tilly. They finished their meals in a comfortable silence. 

“Tilly, I really want to thank you that you were there for Paul, to support and help him, while I couldn’t. It means a lot to me.”, Hugh continued after he had finished his soup. 

“Oh no, you don't have to thank me for this. I’ll always help my friends. And Paul, I mean Lt. Cmdr Stamets is my friend. He is also my boss, but I do consider him as a friend. I don't know if he thinks so too but that didn't stop me from helping him.” Again Hugh mused about how compassionate Tilly was.

“I was happy that I could help at all. He really worried us to be honest. He worked and did stuff like always, but he wasn't really there, you know? He was completely on autopilot. So we were a bit afraid for him. Not that the others or I thought he would do something stupid, not him. But he broke… It hurt so much to see him like this. He hid his grief the whole time until he couldn't do that anymore. It took us days to get him to eat something. But he got better and that’s what matters.”

Hugh was glad that he had already finished his soup, because he didn't feel hungry anymore. Not after hearing this. Paul hadn't said much about the time he was dead, except that he had felt lonely. The more he listened to what Tilly had to say, the worse he felt. It pained him that Paul had suffered so much, suffered because of him.

On the inside he felt like he was dying all over again. He had hurt Paul. He tried to hide his pain and guilt behind a mask of professionalism and a pleasant smile. The way that Tilly continued to eat and talk about what Paul had been through, he seemed to be successful. Though he couldn't stay there much longer, after Tilly had finished her tale he nearly jumped out of his seat and quickly said goodbye. She looked a bit surprised by his rushed goodbye, but he was far too fast gone to hear her response. 

He strode through the corridors in a quick pace, trying to reach his and Paul’s shared quarters as quickly as possible. The corridors were deserted. Without the constant chattering of the crew members around him, his thoughts couldn't be carried away. Instead the guilt, something he tried to suppress for the last few days, creeped into the foreground of his mind. Without anything to distract himself the feeling of guilt grew. In the end he nearly sprinted, so when he walked inside their quarters he was out of breath. Only to freeze and have the air punched out of his lungs by the sight that greeted him. 

Paul was still lying in their bed. But instead of sleeping on his half, he was in the middle of the bed, cuddling, no pressing Hugh’s pillow against his chest, while burying his cheek in it. There were tear tracks on his face, making it apparent that Paul had cried. Even in his sleep, Hugh’s absence and his loss cut so deep, to make him cry. This sight broke Hugh’s heart. 

With buckling knees he made his way over to their bed and laid down in front of Paul, with the pillow between them. He pulled his partner in a tight embrace, with Paul’s head tucked against his chest. Being in Paul’s presence, he couldn't stop the tears from falling. So he cried into Pauls hair, trying to take comfort in holding the man he loved in his arms. 

After a while Hugh noticed how the arms, which had been wrapped around the pillow, were now wrapped around him. The body besides his was trembling with sobs. He tightened his embrace and Paul did the same. So they stayed, crying about all the hurt they had been through and hoping for a better future. Together.

**Author's Note:**

> As always, English isn't my first language, so if you find any mistakes or something I could improve, feel free to leave a comment or message me. You can also find me on tumblr: Janjan-the-ninth


End file.
